“My smart watch is so much better than your old-fashioned watch!”
“Oh yeah? When the battery is dead, mine is still right twice a day.”
“I really hate iTunes 11.”
“iTunes is bloatware. It tries to do way too much. What do you hate about the new version?”
“They removed some thing.”
“Internet companies are violating our privacy more and more these days! I’ll tell you about it as soon as I finish filling this form out.”
“That was a tough period, more than two weeks with nothing happening!”
“You mean the government shutdown?”
“No, the time between Apple announcements.”
“I wish Apple had a ‘Find My Husband’ feature. Then when he stays out too late with his buddies I can deactivate him remotely.”
The real reason Apple added a fingerprint scanner to the iPhone was to lock up the Koala smartphone market.
There’s nothing wrong with you. Those spots you are seeing are just part of the new iOS 7 background wallpapers.
King Midas was happy that he could finally get an iPhone.
“I wish my iPad had a real keyboard.”
“I wish my MacBook had a touchscreen.”
“How about gold coins? Or gems? Or magic game tokens?”
“I told you sir, we only accept real money, not iPhone game currency.”
“So now I only date women who have a iPhone. That way we can share apps.”
“My parents bought me a new iPad for school.”
“Which class do you use it for?”
“Angry Birds 101, mostly.”
The doomed USS Sea Lion
Remaining air for crew: 3 hours
Remaining battery life of crew’s MacBook Air: 7 hours
“First the touch screen devices. Now rumors of a fingerprint sensor. Enough is enough!”
Apple has invoked the wrath of the glove industry.
“We’ve perfected our new MLB app. It reads your mind to figure our which game you most want to watch, and then lets you watch every other game but that one!”
“Please turn off all devices such as iPads during takeoff.”
“Ours too? We kinda need them to fly the planes now.”
“My mother doesn’t understand new technology. She just sent me a text message telling me to check my email. In the email, she asked me to call her.”
“I heard that To-Do apps help increase your productivity. So I have installed 238 of them.”
After iTunes Radio
“Unemployed Radio DJ. Will banter for food.”
The Year 2113
“So? What’s inside the capsule from 2013?”
“Looks like a 3GB hard drive and some networking equipment.”
Things that would not be better with a “flat” design.
In 2019, Mac Pros will make nice planters.
Brody wondered why there were so many people with MacBooks on his beach near Half Moon Bay all of a sudden.
Sam thought his new hash tags were so clever.
“OK kids, we’re in the wild. No modern technology!”
“You mean we need to use a Blackberry instead of our iPhones?”
“Apple figures out all sorts of ways to charge top dollar for their products and avoid paying taxes on their profits. The government should do something!”
“You know our retirement account is up 1000% over the last 10 years because of all the Apple stock we own, right?”
“I’ve always liked Apple. It might be time for me to get an iPad.”
“I’m very disappointed. In the past you have scored 95% or better on your tests. But this time you scored only 94%. I’m going to have to call your parents.”
Stock market analysts would not make good grade school teachers.
Can you name some of the hardships the pioneers experienced on the Oregon Trail?
We drove out west last summer on vacation. It was horrible. Sometimes no LTE, just 3G or Edge network!
Glass of Beer.
Both have the potential to make other people more interesting.
“I heard it from a friend who heard it from their son who heard it in gym class.”
“Yes, I see. Guess it is time to change our position on Apple stock.”
“He thought it would be safer if he had a rear view mirror when backing up his Mac.”
“Just sign here and your divorce will be final.”
“If only getting out of my mobile phone contract was this easy.”
“Those iPhones are insecure. Someone could steal yours and easily hack it to get a list of all of your friends.”
“Or, they could just look at my Facebook page.”
“My new scale shows my weight on my iPad. But it seems to think I’m 1.44 pounds heavier than I really am.”
“I just bought an iTouch and an iMac mini. What’s the first thing I should learn about them?”
“The correct names.”
“Can I get an avocado slice on my burger? The green will add some nice color for the picture I’ll post to Facebook.”
“I’ve got a completely original idea for a game app.”
“Tell me about it.”
“It’s basically Angry Birds meets Fruit Ninja meets Dragonvale.”
“We have more than 200 different iPhone cases to choose from.”
“I don’t know if I like any of these. Are there more in the back?”
“Our IT department is against letting us get Macs.”
“Why? Because they don’t know how to fix them?”
“No, because they won’t need to.”
“Make sure you check in often!”
“Facebook or Foursquare?”
Mittens never forgave Cynthia for switching to a trackpad.
“True, there are no viruses for Macs. But even if you have a Mac, you should still get a flu shot.”
iPhone App Ideas
12 for 10 cents
“Despite all the hype, Windows still has a 90% market share.”
“Was he in a car accident?”
“No. He hurt his neck Watching Apple’s stock price go up and down.”
“Cartoonists worldwide love the new design of the iMac.”
“The other physicists kicked Edward out of the holiday party after he told one too many jokes about his Mac’s Fusion Drive and Time Machine.”
“The load has certainly gotten lighter now that kids are wishing for iPad minis instead of bicycles.”
“The iPhone had only enough battery power to last for one day. But miraculously it lasted for eight days and nights.”
“I accidentally plugged my Lightning connector into my Thunderbolt port and it started to rain in my office.”
“Now that the iPhone Maps app doesn’t have Street View, he actually has to leave the house and go places to see what they look like.”
“What’s this $1,000 charge from Apple? Did you buy a new computer?”
“No, I just bought a few Thunderbolt and Lightning cable adapters.”
“Goldilocks said: This iPad is too big. And this iPod touch is too small. But this iPad mini is just right.”
“The problem with the iPad mini is it is priced too high.”
I don’t get it. I’ve got “cloud” right in my name: “Clouded Leopard.” Why didn’t they pick me?
Carly was looking forward to getting a new iPad mini.
“The new iPod nano plays video. And in related news, there are rumors that Apple will soon come out with DVD creation software for the Mac, and a new iCloud feature to build websites.”
Myadorth was disappointed that the new Maps app doesn’t support subterranean directions.
“Which will work better with my iPhone 3? An iPad 3 or an iTouch?”
“Let me get someone else to help you.”
“Who is this Sheila that is a VIP in your Mail app? And why am I not a VIP?”
Another relationship destroyed by a new OS X feature.
“You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas. You have an iPhone in your basket. Just ask Siri and with iOS 6 you’ll get turn-by-turn spoken directions.”
Announcing our new 342 B.C. Abacus! Now with 9 rows of stones and a hardwood frame.
“Why not 10 rows?”
“I liked the old frame better.”
“Is it compatible with my counting beads?”
“You tried to put a mountain lion in a 2008 enclosure? Didn’t you know they aren’t compatible!”
“Let’s check my news feed. Civil wars, presidential election, Mars rover. What do you have?”
“The dock connector on the next iPhone might be a little smaller.”
38% still had trouble telling the twins apart, even after one started carrying an iPhone and the other started carrying a Samsung phone.
“I love my new iPad. It is so tiny and light! I’ll never go back to a laptop again. Now I just need to get a cover, a case, a keyboard and a stand for it.”
“Hello dear. I’m working late today. Don’t know when I’ll be home.”
“I don’t think you understand what FaceTime is.”
“I’d get an iPad, but it is just too big. I hope they come out with a smaller, lighter version soon.”
“Would you like to try our new Retina Pizza? It is just like a normal pizza, but cut into 32 slices instead of 8.”
“Our anthropologists say that in the early part of the 21st century on Earth, mankind looked to a demigod named Siri for answers, asking it over and over again: What is the meaning of life?”
“I have 100,000 songs in my iTunes collection, but I can’t listen to any of them right now.”
“Ironically, because they are all stored ‘in the cloud.'”
“My mom said she likes the smell of old books. Well, I downloaded this ebook almost two years ago and it doesn’t smell like anything!”
Summer Carnival 1997
“Tell me: Who will be leading the mobile phone and handheld game industries in 2012?”
“You’ll never believe me. How about I just give you your $5 back.”
“I demanded final cut. They said yes, and sent me a $300 gift card to the Mac App store.”
I know this probably isn’t what Apple meant by sandboxing, but I just want to be sure we are doing things right.”
I bought a Kindle book on how to use the Kindle. I can’t figure out how to read it.”
“100 million YouTube channels and still nothing to watch!”
“My ancestors were charlatan fortune tellers for medieval kings.”
“What is it that you do?”
“Basically the same thing. I’m a Wall Street analyst.”
“I tried writing a book but couldn’t finish it. I tried blogging but couldn’t think of what to write. I tried tweeting and 140 characters was still too much.”
“What about Pinterest? All you need to do is click on photos you like.”
“Hmmm. Still seems like a lot of work.”
“Sure, they give you iPads while you wait, but they just have old outdated health magazine apps on them.”
“Now with the Mac App Store I’ve got awesome games too.”
“Dude, I played all of those games back in 2004.”
“This app warns you when guys are nearby who use apps to see when girls are nearby.”
“Man, I had a nasty Flashback this morning.”
“No, Mac trojan.”
“Ever since the iPad got a retina display, my wife insists on having a model take my place in photos.”
“I got a new iPad. That means my husband gets my old iPad 2. Our oldest child then gets his old iPad 1. And it trickles down eventually to our goldfish who gets an original iPod shuffle.”
“Let’s see… 400 small packages all the same size that originated in China, one each going to every house on my route. Must be a new Apple gadget today.”
“So what are you going to name your baby, Mr. Smith?”
“We’re inspired by how Apple names things. We are just going to call him ‘new Smith’.”
“Congratulations on winning first place. However, your project violates a number of our patents. You’ll be hearing from us shortly.”
Tools of Mankind
20,000 B.C.: Stick.
2012 A.D.: USB Stick.
“I need a backup drive, the photos on my Mac are priceless!”
“Here’s one for $100.”
“Do you have anything cheaper?”
“I can’t believe those losers wait in line for hours to buy an iPhone when there’s absolutely no one in line to get this new Samsung phone!”
Every time a format dies, he has a bonfire and holds a little ceremony. He did it with vinyl records, video tapes, CDs and now DVDs. But in the future I wonder how he’ll burn “the Internet.”
“I’m always online. I constantly update my blog, a YouTube page and my Twitter stream.”
“Want to come by and see me tomorrow?”
“Sure! What’s your URL?”
“Yes, I know that iPhone is way too big. So was the wish-list of new features you wanted added to it.”
“I charge twenty bucks. Forty if you are a Wall Street analyst asking about Apple rumors.”
“I ‘liked’ your restaurant. I also gave it a thumbs up, five stars, +1 and added it to my favorites.”
“I’d rather just get a decent tip for once.”
“I want to get that new novel, but I can’t decide on the format.”
“You mean hard cover or paperback?”
“What is this 2010? I mean iPad, Kindle, Nook or audio book.”
“If you throw the parakeet at your brother one more time I’m going to take your iPod touch away once and for all!”
“You want an iPad 3? Kid, I may be able to fly around the world and deliver presents to every child in a single night, but I can’t perform the impossible!”
“I started using iTunes Match the other day. It works great, but everything I listen to now sounds a little more like Coldplay.”
“We have to move to a new cloud. This one is now filled with peoples’ crappy iTunes music collections.”
“Captain Earl E. A. Dopter became the envy of his crew when he was the first to get the new iPatch.”
“You’ve heard of turducken? Well this is a MacPadTV. I’m streaming a video
from my Mac to my iPad and then on to the Apple TV with AirPlay.”
“Hmmm. The iPhone Cards app. That’s way better than my idea of sending a handwritten card by mail that is scanned in and emailed to someone.”
“I’ll have my Siri contact your Siri and set up the meeting.”
“Ms. Roth? Instead of doing my class project with Eddie, can I team up with my friend Siri instead?”
“Only an A- on your report card? I know you said you’d get a B+, but my expectations were an A+. I’m going to have to downgrade you.”
“Our new Mac mini doesn’t have an optical drive. I can’t make the fun sing-along CDs for our road trips anymore!”
“Oh too bad.”
“I’ve hacked Time Machine to show files in the future as well as the past. According to our iPhoto collection we go to Hawaii next year.”
“He wanted to bury a time capsule in the backyard, but it was too expensive. So he is burying an Airport Extreme instead.”
“I’ve got cable with 900 channels and pay-per-view.”
“So what did you watch on TV last night?”
“Well I’ve got Apple TV with iTunes, Netflix and YouTube.”
“What did you watch on TV last night?”
“I don’t feel I’m communicating with my wife as much anymore.”
“Are you two drifting apart?”
“Yes. I’m still on Facebook and she’s moved to Google+.”
“Do you know that I’m the mayor of this place on Foursquare?”
“Well, in that case I’d like to talk to you about the working conditions.”
“Do you know when the new iPhone will be out?”
“My guess is October.”
“I just got confirmation from a credible source!”
1984: You can now run programs in windows instead of taking up the whole screen.
2011: New feature! You can now run programs that fill the whole screen!
In line during the tough economic times of the past.
In line during the tough economic times of today.
“I gave up chewing on his shoes. He seems to get much more excited when I chew on those new Apple Thunderbolt cables.”
My brother became a patent troll and he now lives under one of those billion-dollar fancy suspension bridges.
“Well, you could always paint it white if it will make you feel better.”
“What planet have you been living on? Everyone knows not to stand in front of a store when a new Mac product comes out.”
“I want to get iOS 5 for my iPhone 3Gs but I’ll upgrade to an iPhone 5 if it has 4G.”
“5, 3, 5, 4 what? Why can’t Apple use cute kitty names instead of numbers for the iPhone too?”
“Roger has been impossible to deal with since Apple decided to use his picture in the OS X Lion icon.”
“Kodiak, Cheeta, Puma, Jaguar, Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Snow Leopard, Lion.”
Apple Fanboys don’t count sheep.
“Tomorrow will be iCloudy with a chance of Snow Leopard.”
“There’s something different about his forecasts ever since we switched to Macs.”
Woz: “I’d be happy to give my design of the Apple Computer to HP.”
HP: “No thanks.”
Jobs: “Today we announce the plans for the new Apple Headquarters, built where HP used to be.”
“Now that I’ve dropped it in the snow, I’m thinking it was a bad time to switch to the white iPhone.”
“I hear that Apple is getting into cloud services.”
“Good. Maybe I can finally upgrade my harp with some new apps.”
“Don’t worry dear, you can come up with another superhero name.”
“Using AirPlay on my iPad I can show you my vacation photos on the big screen! Isn’t technology great?”
“We have to go…”
“My new toaster has an App Store. For 99 cents I can get an app that burns a picture of Elvis into the toast. For $2.99 it will tweet when the toast is done.”
“The new MacBook Air weighs -3 ounces. Would you like me to get one down from the ceiling for you?”
“I’m concerned about my iPhone keeping track of every place I go.”
“Because it is an invasion of privacy?”
“No, because I’m afraid someone will find out how boring I am.”
In the end Tom was thankful that Apple didn’t make the iPad’s screen less reflective.
“My new stock prediction algorithm takes into account futures markets, analyst reports, word currencies and Steve Jobs’ complexion.”
“Wow. Digital cameras in the 90s were so bad compared to what we have today.”
“Actually, those photos were taken yesterday with my iPad 2.”
“They gave you high fives and cheered? Did you hit a home run?”
“That wasn’t a game, that was when I waiting in line at the Apple Store for an iPad.”
“I’ve got two iPhones. One for the office where I get AT&T but not Verizon. And the other for home where I get Verizon but not AT&T.”
“I’d like to use FaceTime, but now that it is HD I can’t afford all the makeup and lighting.”
“I’m not sure now is the best time to buy an iPad. I heard a rumor that a new one is coming soon.”
“I assure you, sir, that this is the new Thunderbolt port. It is not a sign that your Mac survived an attack by Voldemort.”
“I used my iTunes gift card to buy an app that helps me find deals on gift cards so I can buy more apps.”
“Thanks to Ping, now all my friends know how boring and unhip my music collection is.”
The guy at the Genius Bar told me the same thing I read in my “for dummies” book. I guess I’m having trouble because I’m somewhere in between.
“I’d switch to Verizon but I’d have to pay more than $200 to break my AT&T contract.”
He heard that Macs are safe from viruses, and he doesn’t want to get the flu this season.
So with this new app I press a button and dinner is automatically served in a bowl on the floor.
Wow, it is great that you can take care of your dog like that.
What dog? This is for my husband.
The new GarageBand is so advanced it does it all by itself. My iMac has a record contract and starts a 30-city tour next week.
So the new Mac App Store lets you find, buy and download software online? Isn’ that how we did it before?
Yep, that’s a Mac 128K from 1984. Ever year he decides to upgrade, then he hears a rumor of a new Mac coming out soon and he decides to wait.
I think I believed you more when you were tracking big foot and UFOs.
He’s on the roof waiting for Santa to bring him an iPad. We’ve been married for 10 years, and I still don’t have the nerve to tell him there’s no Santa.
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